Ramblings since I just want to type and see what comes out of my fingers. Since my last post there have been so many things that have happened and I guess I lost my desire to write. Tonight I went to the pool and spent time water walking. I was walking and the thought popped in my head: what do I really like doing and I realized writing is something I love to do. So I'm back from the pool with the resolve to get some thoughts down and I doubt I'll publish this post.
I watched cancer win its battle over my dad. That battle and his death have affected all of my family in different ways and it has ripped at my heart seeing all the grief. Not to mention how grief lingers in the background of my own life and pops up at unannounced times. The anger, sadness that makes breathing hard, streaming tears, and loneliness are like a jack-in-the-box popping up in surprise. I know it is important to get these feelings out and it is part of the process of healing. But gosh it hurts.
Kidlet One and Favorite Son-In-Law announced that they will be having Grandbaby #3 in August. How thankful I am that there will be LIFE to focus on in this year when dad's DEATH has made such a big hole for all of us. Oh Lord may this baby be healthy and may Kidlet One feel good from this point on!
There are other heavy things in my life. It is such a war for me to give these things over to God and then I turn around and pick them up again. Silly me. I trust Him to work everything out yet it seems I cannot fully surrender that control over to Him. This is one of those amazing things of asking Jesus to be the Lord of my life--giving myself fully over to Him--and then allowing my flesh to think I need to help Him out. This is one area I really want to have victory in soon.
My job is changing. I don't feel that I am using the gifts God put inside of me in the new direction the work is taking. This is so frustrating and draining. Another area that I need to lay down to God and let Him work it out.
Today I had the privilege of celebrating Grandbaby C's third birthday. Oh we had fun! My mom, Kidlet One and I took the Birthday Girl to the Mall of America. Each one of us went on a ride with C and then we went to the American Girl café for lunch. Grandbaby C was wide eyed and in wonder. Her innocence and joy were contagious and lifted my spirits higher than they've been in a long time. We laughed and enjoyed sharing this day together. In fact we decided this would be a yearly event. All of us celebrating the birth of this delightful girl. How amazing is it that a grandchild can fill my Love Tank so much!
The thread that remains woven in amongst my feelings is the cord of God. He has a rope that has been a lifeline to me. I honestly think I've felt every emotion imaginable in the past months and when I get to the end of myself there is God holding the rope that I sometimes didn't feel was around me. He pulls me up onto His lap and just holds me allowing me to bury my head in His shoulder. And then He looks into my eyes and just smiles at me. A great and loving Father. Amazing.
Getting words down and out from inside of my heart feels good. Thank you, Lord, for challenging me to do what I love.
Again I am So Amazed at your faithfulness in walking with me through this journey.